Just Plain Weird Thoughts and Quotations
I bet a fun thing to do would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted our from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could just explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty queen, because I like people to do what I say.
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stop and think of what other words have 'under' in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person because it would be too small, but there's a little doll or something like a Johnny Combat little toy guy -- Something like that.
If the vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.
If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That was if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, I could just say "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everyone would get real quiet and ashamed because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
Perhaps, if I cam very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by man.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby"
I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two seperate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, I hope they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did."
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
If you saw two guys name Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked dolphins? I'd say Flipper, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though, it's Hambone.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
When I was a kid, my favourite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and ever once in awhile he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He started telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after rall." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long though.
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the Earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
I don't think that I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry around two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says "Hey, can you give me a hand?, you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program!
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. when someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say "You pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy".
One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait, it's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of the monorail.
